Today, Melissa shares her testimony with us. Thank you, Melissa for being obedient to God.
Hello! I want to take you through a snapshot of what my life was like before and after I truly allowed the Lord Jesus Christ to come in my heart and life as my Lord and Savior. The Lord Jesus Christ is truly able to make a difference in the life of a person, I have seen it myself.
I had a good life. My dad died when I was 5 years old. It left my mom working extremely hard with 2 or 3 jobs to try and make ends meet. My mom would do what it took in order to provide for her children. Based on my recollection, I started having problems at an early age with improperly placed fear. I feared not looking like others, death of remaining parent, not having friends, not having the acceptance and approval of people around me, being in trouble, and not fitting in. I was a big people pleaser. I battled with these issues throughout most of my childhood until my 30’s. I went through counselling and medication for depression and anxiety during my teenage years; but nothing worked. I held on to everything and would not let the real issues be dealt with. I had a big “father wound” that just festered and I was comfortable living this way as that was what I knew.
Before salvation, I was a habitual, wretched sinner. I was a liar and manipulator. I am ashamed to say that I have habitually committed so many different sins by way of words, thoughts and actions: I honestly cannot even begin to list all of the sins I have committed; because, the list would be too long! I sought acceptance, attention, and friendship from anyone who was older than myself that seemed to be nice. I sought acceptance and friendship from people online as well. I self-harmed in order to seek attention and in order to manipulate. I had a period of time where I was abusive. I bore false witness many times and could blame others on my problems. I had no backbone and was irresponsible. My sins I would try and hide as much of them as I could. I committed humongous big or small sins in front of anyone and everyone (seriously, no one was immune to this!) and they may or may not have known it. I lived for myself and also would try to live up to what I wanted others to see. I wanted acceptance, and friendship from people in general (especially if they were kind).
As best as I can remember, all of my life, my family and I were in church. I knew the truths of the Bible and had a good solid head knowledge of Jesus Christ and His sacrifice on the cross for not only my sins; but, for everyone. I remember as a teenager, I seen my name listed on the church prayer list as someone needing salvation. So, I said I needed to be saved and prayed for salvation; However, no change occurred. I would go on and pray for salvation a few specific times during the remainder of my teenage years. I never did have a heart or life change. I just instead went deeper into my sins and really became more habitual. During my adulthood years, every now and then, a doubt would creep in about my salvation, and I would offer up a prayer for salvation; but, still there was no change. I was able to talk the talk; but I was not walking the walk. I would claim that I was a Christian because I had prayed for salvation.
In 2016 or 2017, my mom and I went to a dinner show musical; in which, a husband and wife shared their testimony, and the real doubts came in regarding my salvation. I went on and asked a very select few people questions; but I would get frustrated. It was during this season that I would start coming in with praying for salvation more often. I knew that I was not saved; but, then again, I was praying for salvation. I got confused with the terms, “heart”, “repentance”, “believe”, and sincerity” and thought that those terms was the reason of my issues. I was just a big mess. It was a few years later, summer of 2019, I heard the word “hypocrite”, and I knew then that was what I was. I would go on and pray for salvation; but there was no heart or life change. I started to wonder if I was a lost cause. I came up with what I thought were really good reasons for not being saved; but those reasons were not Biblical (As I took things way out of context). It was during this time, that some certain songs would come to mind, as well as the remembrance of a few testimonies that I had either heard or read that would prove valuable. I realized I was at my personal rock bottom because I was so lonely. I prayed for salvation on December 4, 2019 and truly accepted and received the Lord Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I had truly gone from just having the head knowledge of the Lord to having a real heart knowledge. Because of the past, I struggled with the thoughts and doubts as to whether or not I was saved; but, at the same time, I knew that I was saved.
During the Covid-19 shutdown, I really started to come to terms with the past. It was brought up in my memory that the first time I had prayed for salvation, that it was because I wanted the acceptance, and approval from other people. Also, I had wanted to be off of the prayer list. There were other times of praying for salvation with people that was the same issue as well. I had thought originally that the issue with salvation was due to not understanding the difference between believe and repentance. My “father – wound” is healing. Some of the habits have taken a little bit more time to be totally changed; but I am a work in progress. I truly do not know whether I had false repentance (which is not ready to turn away from sin), or was attempting to trust in my prayers, works, or self for salvation; but I think it was honestly a combination of all of these things. I still commit sins (more than I want); but, as long as I am in this earthly body, I will continue to strive for repentance of my sins by way of confessing and turning away from sin.
There is absolutely no excuse for anything I have done – ever. I sincerely apologize to everyone who I have ever met or spoken to in my life. Sadly, I had to hit what was my personal rock-bottom before I truly came to my senses. I am left with permanent issues because of the old Melissa. Everything that anyone has had knowledge of or can see of me is the result of any number of my habitual sins. The last part of Numbers 32:23 states “…and be sure your sin will find you out.”. This verse, I am living proof of. However, since salvation, my life is definitely something worth living and the root of my issues is healed. According to Psalms 147:3, “He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds”. God has truly healed my broken heart. This is nothing that counseling nor medication has ever been able to do for me. I tried to hide the truth of how truly broken inside I was; but it just led to more loneliness, and despair; in which, I would run into deeper, more habitual sinning in order to fulfil my needs. It was just a vicious cycle of making poor choices (commit more sin and live for myself) and it was something that I could have not gotten out of on my own or with earthly things – I knew that from previous life experiences. According to John 8:36, “If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed.”. I not only have seen and heard of others finding this freedom; but, now, I have experienced it for myself. God has truly been the healer of my broken heart and life (the life has been a slower process because of me), and He is perfectly capable and willing to heal others of their broken hearts and lives as well. If God has not been the healer of your broken heart and life, why don’t you give Him a chance to?
“A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you a heart of flesh.” Ezekiel 36:26
(All references within this are taken from The Holy Bible, King James Version)
Originally posted on November 9, 2020 @ 3:00 am